Ok, so I feel the same today, except more tired.  I weaned myself off coffee, and that was awesome!  (That’s old news.)  So, I started the Zoloft yesterday, and you’re not supposed to drink alcohol at all while on it.  I weighed the pros and cons.  Happy only when drinking beer, or happy pretty much most of the time?  I never used to drink at all, so it seemed pretty clear to me.

 

I went by my dad’s last night.  He still thinks I am 12 years old.  Whatever, I am used to it, it works out.  He can’t get a change to stick in his head.  So, I could tell him one hundred times that I no longer drink coffee, and he will still offer it to me.  Anyway, he was making fancy martinis last night, with this raspberry liqueur, and I wanted one, but I said no, and really driving home on those dark country roads would be best unliquored anyhow.  So he made a pot of coffee for me instead and I drank it (yes, all of it, and it was good).  Except for not being able to sleep.

 

Jack and I have sort of a running joke now, where he says, “I don’t know you anymore!” because obviously I am a totally different person now that I have taken a couple doses of psychotropic meds.  I guess it is not funny in print, sorry.  At least I can check off “Used humor to deal with stress” on my weekly log.  It’s one of those corporate things- yeah, I’m a sucker for that kind of thing.  I’ve been able to check off few days for “exercise 30 minutes” but the “humor” one is in the bag.  In the bag!  (The prize- I mean, except for self stress awareness and reduction blah blah blah is probably a cheap tote bag or something, but I’m still a sucker.)

I had that really incompetent therapist earlier this year.  It was kind of scary how bad she was.  I did take one piece of advice from her, which was to talk to my personal physician about going on some psychotropic medication.  He suggested going on an SSRI for just the winter, going on to state that he has several patients who are on SSRI’s for six months out of the year.  “Think about it,” he said, “and let me know in the first week of October.”  Well, that starts tomorrow.

 

I thought about it.  I thought about it a lot.

 

I tried to do some research on it, utilizing my insurance’s formulary (since I know how much hassle that can entail)- which seems to be nonexistent.  I couldn’t find it online.  Calling the 1-800 number was unhelpful.  Finally I called my pharmacist.  And you know what?  She was more helpful and knowledgeable than the therapist, and told me more than the doc did- which ones are covered, which ones have a generic, which ones are harder to get off of, which ones seem to be more effective.  A good pharmacist is gold.  I’ve said it many times.

 

I just want to not get SAD- Seasonal Affective Crappy Feeling- this winter.  I have goals.  I have been exercising.  I have been spending quality time with Jack and friends.  I have been petting my cats.  I have been creative, not enough.  I’d like to be creative more often.  I’d also like to have deeper friendships, more meaningful somehow.  I don’t know if Zoloft would aid or stunt that, and that is the bigger philosophical conundrum.

So we had one of our lunchtime work meetings today.  You know they gave me this huge new project to “run with…nobody’s ever done this before.”  So nobody really knows how to do it.  So, if I screw up, who will know?  Who will stop me?  I am used to being micromanaged.  My one-up even watches me just in case I use the wrong bathroom.

 

So I mentioned that I would like more feedback, because I would like to make sure I am at least headed in the right direction.  My manager (not my micromanager…the manager with the kissable-looking lips) took the opportunity to heap on some praise.  “You’re doing great!”  I told him that wasn’t what I was looking for, I wanted concrete feedback.  He seemed really embarrassed.  But I really want to know!  I feel like I am letting go of a bunch of helium balloons, watching them float up toward the clouds.  I have no idea where they are headed.  One of them might even float to New Zealand (not likely, but this is a metaphor) and if nobody mails me back a “Hey!  I got your balloon, and hi from New Zealand!” then I have no idea whatsoever. Right?  How about “you currently have met 10% of your goal.”  Now that would be good!  He didn’t like the feedback I gave him about my feedback- is that right?  Is that irony?  What is that?

Biking home from work last night, it was cold for an August evening, and I was loaded down with fresh produce bought in the am from the farmers’ market downtown.  I’ve been trying to eat “Five a day, the color way” and it’s not easy.  Muskmelons were three for $2, so had those, as well as a three-pound bag of apples, a dozen sweet peppers, and an eggplant.  My mom had given me a boatload of tomatoes the day before, so red is pretty well covered.  Anyway, after working late, the ride home was chilly and dark so I took an alternate route, right past the coffee shop that has half-price bakery after 8pm or whenever the baristas get to putting the sign out.  The lure of muffins was irresistible.  My friend happened to be there for the chattin’.  That was awesome: the perfect end to an almost-perfect day.

My take-no-BS friend had insisted that I see a counselor.  I asked a bunch of people whom they might recommend and took absolutely none of their advice, choosing instead a person who purported to have deep Christian faith.  She was very condescending and it was just not good all around. 

 

I discovered that I didn’t need to pay for that kind of s**t.  She told me to be assertive, so I fired her.

 

I feel great now sans counseling.  Thanks to yet another bad counseling experience, I know I am better off without it.

I had just been thinking it’s been a really long time since I got a Free Panty coupon from VS in the mail.  I thought it was a victim of the “bad economy.”  Then lo and behold, their rather pornographic flyer (for Jack?) came in the mail with- you got it- a coupon for a Free Panty.  It always makes me think of Free Mumia for some reason.

 

So I went, picked out a Panty, and realized that I had dropped the coupon in one of the drawers I was pawing through.  Drat.  So I had to go back and dig through all the previously-dug-through drawers again (ha! drawers!), eliciting the concern of one of the sales staff (that store location is plagued by bra and panty theives who steal by the hundreds).  When I told her what had happened, she said “I’ll keep an eye out.”  Dammit, I got a coupon for a free panty, and I was not going to leave without it.   Although, finding the coupon would have been like Christmas morning for someone else.  But I found it.

 

I finally got to the front of the line with my booty (ha!!  booty!) and was told, no free colors except for black, white, pink, or nude.  Back to the search…I discovered that the VS “nude” shade has gotten darker.  Now, I am all for a rainbow of God’s skin colors, which to me means, how about more than one “nude” shade?  I am pretty pasty, but my ass is not chalk-white.  The previous “nude” shade suited me fine.  But, I really can’t complain too much, since it was, after all, free.

 

Got to the front of the line again.  “Is that ALL?”  I really don’t like sales clerks.  “Yes, that is all.”   Whatever.  So I scored my Free Panty!  (Although, with all the hassle involved, that Free Panty was hardly free.)

I will never forget that one scene from ER where Dr Green lays dying, his daughter at his bedside, as he gives her his final advice.  “Be generous,” he gasps.  I love that scene.  Sometimes, when I am feeling stingy, Dr Green’s voice replays in my head, admonishing me.

 

It reminds me of a Bible passage we studied in church a few weeks ago.  The passage (Second Corinthians 8:1-6) was thus:

 

1And now, brothers, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the Macedonian churches. 2Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. 3For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, 4they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints. 5And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will. 6So we urged Titus, since he had earlier made a beginning, to bring also to completion this act of grace on your part. 7But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us—see that you also excel in this grace of giving.”

 

It’s a great passage.   “See that you also excel in this grace of giving,” writes the Apostle Paul.  In other words, “be generous.”