Every time I open up the microwave- every time, and I use it often- there is a particular small plate in there– conveniently left by Jack– containing incriminating hot-dog residue.  (He has a penchant for cheap, HFCS-containing, penis-shaped meat.  Whoever thought of this idea?)  I think that every cell in his entire body is made of hot dog molecules.  Could be worse, I guess.

Wow, I just edited that last post about twenty times trying to get one HTML link to work the way I wanted it to. How did it take me so long to get into the 21st century?

WordPress has a fantastic spam blocker.  Well, it needs to- I have gotten so many spam comments in such a short time;it’s unbelievable to me. They’re all pretty much the same. “Kim Kardashian nude.”  I didn’t know who she was, so I looked her up online. It looks like she’s famous for some sex tape scandal and did some nude modeling.  Gee, if I wanted to, I could look at her girlhole all day long without spammers suggesting to me that it might be a nice idea.  Come on, losers, dream up something more creative.  Porn is addictive.  People want something new and different.  (Not me.  Jack- hot, hott, hottt Jack- hasn’t bored me yet.  Not once.  Partially because of his extreme hotness, but partially because porn is not a part of our lives.  We don’t think about what we don’t have.  Why should we?  Give me one rational reason why.)

Oh, now my imagination is running amok.  Maybe I should start making my own spam.  (I don’t know, though.  What are the hours? )

“That’s the extent of my intoxication these days- a double mocha.”

-Jack

We had already had about four cups of coffee each that day when he said that, around 3 pm.

(Jack has conquered many cunning, baffling, and powerful addictions- smoking is the last of his  socially shunned ones, but coffee also retains a powerful grip on us both.  We have no desire whatsoever to end that mutually beneficial relationship.  Who among us has no vice?)

If my urine smells like coffee, does that mean I am drinking too much?  When I can smell it coming from my skin?  When Jack and I make four pots of it a day and plan vacation time around it, how about then?

I read somewhere- in some long-forgotten novel, sorry author- your words but not your name have stuck with me- one character tells another he should cut down on his coffee consumption because it will “turn your insides to shoe leather.”

So be it.

Seriously, though, how much is too much?

This week I read an article about Eminem and his struggle with- and victory over- addiction to prescription pills. I didn’t even recognize his full-page photo at the start of the article. Even after the article and caption assured me that the picture was, indeed, Eminem (and Marshall Mathers, and Slim Shady) I still could not resolve the pixels to tell my brain that yes, this was Eminem, my beloved Rabbit from 8 Mile.   He looked like a completely different person, bloated, old.

The interview described an Elvis-like cycle of using different prescription medications.  Like Elvis, he had become unrecognizable.

As Eminem- who sports a vicodin tat on his left arm- raps in his song Under the Influence: “I’m like a mummy at night/fightin’ with bright lightning/frightened with five little white Vicodin pills bitin’ him.”  In Stan, he told us in a letter, “I’m on a thousand downers now/ I’m drowsy.”  Indeed, he was spiraling downward: taking uncountable amounts of Vicodin.  He didn’t know: 10, 20 pills a day.  Now, each Vicodin contains 500 mg of Acetaminophen- also known as Tylenol- and a person should not take more than 4000 mg daily, to avoid liver damage.  That would be eight Vicodin in a 24-hour period.  Couple that with the many Ambien and whatever else he was taking, and no wonder he looks a lot more like 70’s Elvis than lithe 50’s Elvis, or than 90’s Eminem, for that matter. 

He does, however, have focus now.  His moods are no longer labile.  He can work on his music again in ways he could not when on the cycle of drugs and more drugs and then more drugs again, unmeasured.

I say all of this without judgement.  It is very easy to get addicted to Vicodin.  I did.  After I had surgery a few years ago I had Oxycontin and regular Oxycodone, stuff that didn’t really help any of my pain- it just made me feel dull.  I had several months off work and couldn’t read, which normally I love; I couldn’t write, except for keeping careful track of which drugs I had taken and when.  I was awake at weird times.  All I could do was watch TV.  I got so bored with TV that I started watching Spanish TV.  I don’t even speak Spanish.  It was all the same to me. 

After I started feeling better, they gave me Vicodin, and that was the drug I couldn’t shake.  I could not wean myself off of it.  I still had to take it at night.  It was a physical dependence.  It was difficult.   I do have an unusual tenacity, though, and I wanted to have a completely clear head again, but even still, it was hard.  I know this.  I want you to know this too.

Eminem, I am so happy for you.