Their hum gets in my head, rattles my skull.  I live by the freeway.  Every rush hour, helicopters have to hover over my house.  Oh, gee, traffic’s backed up?  It’s five o’ freaking clock in the afternoon.  If traffic wasn’t backed up, that would be news.


People touching me.

Why do people love to touch me??  Don’t touch my hair.  Don’t put your hand on my shoulder, and don’t pat my back.  Don’t hug me.  I just don’t like it.  Do I just look cuddly?  Why?  Pretend I am a cactus.  Just do not touch.


Lost pet ads.

Few things make me feel sadder.



Mercifully, I rarely barf.  The last time I barfed was in 2005, after I had surgery.  I dry heaved on the street this last winter when Jack’s uncle bought me too many rum and cokes at a dive bar.  But I did not barf.



I have some mild-to-moderate social disabilities.  One of these is forgetting people’s faces, or simply not recognizing them at all.  It can be very embarrassing.  It is a good thing that I can be cute when I want, and if I turn on the charm I can bluff my way through certain encounters.  This is one area where being a girl is definitely advantageous.  One time I had to look at headshots in a police book after I man masturbated at me.  I had to tell the cop that they all looked alike, which they did. 


Misspellings and grammatical errors.

Use a dictionary.  Crack open Elements of Style or the Little, Brown Handbook.  There, how difficult was that? 

The worst is when I make an error.  It embarrasses me thoroughly.


After-school time.

The worst time of day: when the schools let out and mean-spirited hooligans children pour out of them, waiting to make fun of me on the street.  Three o’clock rolls around and suddenly I am eight years old again and getting bullied. 


Owning too much crap.

I’ll admit it: stuff owns me.  Left to my own devices, I’d have a narrow path in my house through which to navigate.  I’m in a purge cycle right now.  It’s hard.  It seems like every time I actually get rid of something, shortly thereafter I really, really do need it this time.  Really!

Coming soon: Things I Love.  Yes, there are some things I actually do enjoy in this world.